A Piece Of Sam

you know. i dont understand how come you had such a high expectation of me. is it so hard to let go? yes. i know im in the wrong. and i would do anything to get things back the way they were.. but i just don't undeestand why that thing means so much to you? you know.. maybe it was just not meant to be la? i mean.. if you're kinda... unable to let go of it, maybe you never treated me as a good friend before and i was just someone who just irritated you or just someone who you see as silly and obnoxious. i don't know. right now, all i can do is just be honest and not try to bluff anyone anymore. i don't know la. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i am so sorry. but i guess, being sorry is never enough.

Lord.
i'm sorry. please forgive my sins.

while this may sound really hypocritical, please don't forsake me in the midst of the A's. while it may sound superficial but Lord.. please let me do well for the A level. this is my desire.

You said ask and it shall be given. that i should pray and not doubt.
so Lord. though it is halfway through the papers.. and i have been doubting over your plans for me.. that i began to fear your plans..

i'm going to sincerely and really give all of my fears of failing up to You. that.. everything is in Your hands.

i had tried my best for the past papers. though there were carelessness and times when i completely did not think at all.. i have done my best and i'm just going to leave them up to You.

i am going to have faith in You. if there is something i learn from the A's.. is that.. at times like this.. in desperate times.. in anytimes.. it's hard to depend on myself and to live for myself.

the past papers.. and the next 5 papers..
it's all for You. do whatever You want for the glory of Your name. i shall not doubt anymore. that if You are going to throw me into the midst of failure and loniless.. as much as i fear it, as much as i hate it.. so badly that i have been running away from You.. i'm going to brave them now.

trust and no doubt.

though i REALLY REALLY wish to have super good grades.. if it is not Your will.. then.. let it be.

i pray for acceptance.

let me live for You.

in Jesus's name i pray,
AMEN

dear God.

please. i need a miracle for the A's.
please don't let me go.

You know my heart.

so please. help ):

rocks my socks big major time.

you know those kind of socks you hang for santa claus to put presents in?? yeah, that kind of big socks (not that i wear them). and now multiply that size by.. erm.. probably 3?? yeah..

that's how much he rocks my socks.

everyone rocks my socks. but tommy rocks my socks more.
i think for his birthday, i'm going to give him a rock in a nice pretty sock

sorry. i'm just going crazy cause i'm sad today. i spent 5 hours over a still uncompleted history h2 sbq. i keep finding new points to add every single time i write half way through the paper. and then, i'll be like 'crap. lousy. need to re-do'

bahhh...

that's my favourite word now.

baahhh...

it sounds like a goat.

baaahh means 'raaahhh' and raaahhh means 'freak everything'

two more weeks. sighs. nvm. got time to improve all my grades to A (:

BAAAHHHH!!!

anyway. yeah. tommy.
i think tommy is nice.

and talented.

like really talented.

he plays the drums!!!

and he's smart.

and it's really fun to listen when ryan, chris and tommy converse.

plus, the cool thing about him, he doesn't really have a big reaction to anything. like seriously, i admire people like that cause it seems like they got a hell lot of self-control and discipline. not like me who just go 'BAAAHHH' at every small thing.

so yeah.

tommy is nice.. haha.

okay. it sounds as if i'm promoting tommy. ah well. fine. ryan is nice too..

lol.

and super super funny.

but i still think both of them give out scary auras sometimes.

i would talk about chris too since it's getting more or less three in one package deal but i talked a lot about chris in my previous posts so yeah. it's getting late anyway. sleepy. and tomorrow is the first day of the two weeks left. got to have energy to mug.

byebye

samquek

secretly, i am going to aim for Cs and Bs for prelims.

haha. wait. why be modest. Bs all the way.

i just keep eating and eating and eating. and not doing a single exercise.

i'm not doing much. i should be doing more.

faith, trust and love.
what is actually keeping me on the move.

passion, love and mercy.
what is making me wanting to help people.

confusion, pride and rejection.
what is preventing me from doing so.

faith, trust and love.
what is keeping me from giving up.

i want to thank God for all my friends.
because without them, i'll be lost, sad and discouraged.
because of them, i am who i am.

it's not about being superficial.
deep down inside, people use one another because in the end, it just benefit themselves.
but we are all humans.
i think it's practically unavoidable if you think about it.
but why do you want to think of that?
humans are made to depend on one another.
that's why God made eve for adam.
and unfortunately, you need to feel loved before you love others.

call it being over-optimistic. call it as ignorant.
you can call it anything you want cause there's always at least two sides to a coin.
and frankly, i'm learning not to care about the whole two or more sides to life.

it gets confusing.

if i set my life to terms like 'love, give and not take, faith and accountability', am i restricting myself from being better?
but 'motos' like these help me not to 'get lost in the large picture'.

so what now?

be happy and keep your life simple?
if i'm happy and i know for sure i'm doing the right thing, then it should be alright.

i want to thank God for marianne, clara lim and daniel. because they are always there for me especially when i break down and cry. because they let me complain. because they are wise. i look up to them.
i want to thank God for peiyen. because God placed him there in school for me at the time when i'm spending little time in church. so that i still have something physical to hold on to since i am only human.

i want to thank God for michelle because of her heart. because she is someone i can relate to a lot and respect. because she is beautiful. michelle is beautiful. one of the most beautiful people i ever know.

i want to thank God for rabecca. for being so cheerful and for me to be cheerful as well. for me to learn things from her. i thank God for her friendship.

i think, those who can break my heart when i see crying or being sad, are marianne, daniel, michelle, becca, pei yen, jeff, bubu, shar, claire, janice... actually, you cant expect me to write everyone's name down here. there's alot i guess. i'm just naming those who are closer to my heart.

sometimes, i feel obliged to write people's names down cause i don't want them to feel sad. but is that hypocrisy? i don't know. but thinking too much would make things worse.

just be normal at the least normal thing. i think that is the most important.

you may think im stupid for thinking i have so many close friends. i think, thinking that i have many close friends is a blessing and not a foolish thing to say. i don't think it's superficial. if people's happy, then..

love can't be simply expressed into words. that's what i am constantly reminded about. but i can keep trying. to show unconditional love to everyone.

so i shall continue.
i thank God for chris, tommy and ryan. cause they are talented, wonderful and great guys who can serve God with what they have. i thank God that i am trying to overcome my awkwardness with them and that they are trying to help me to as well. i thank God for such individuals cause their characters just made the human race more beautiful to be with as much as it is disgusting.

i thank God for ale, meng and karan. because they're always reminding me to have faith and trust God even when all else failed. i thank God because they are helping me to stay relatively constant in my walk with God. chin ought to be included in here too because God has used him to work in me as well. i see chin as a very admirable person and i really respect him. i thank God for such an amazing and great person like him.

i thank God for clara goh, janice, sharlyn for being so wonderful and reminding me i still need to go back to church. i thank God for the care and concerns they show me and for not forgetting me.

i thank God for jeff, bubu, john and bryan. for the 4 close guy friends in church. for going through this a's with me. for being strong so that i can be strong as well. i thank God for all their talents that they are using for God and how they are still struggling in their relationships with Him cause it's all for the better.

i thank God for fang, angel, rachel, min, daryl and hwee geok. who are equally wonderful and kind people. who can be honest with me when i need it. who encourages me when i'm down. who i am getting closer to. who i hope to open up more to.

i thank God for my dance club and my secondary school friends though i hardly meet up with them now. when i bump into them, i am always reminded of my other many many blessings and how they helped me along as well.

i thank God for amos. who i am very honored if he actually treats me as his sister. i thank God for francis. for being so expressive that it is such a joy to watch him. i thank God for wynne. for being so down-to-earth about her talents and gifts. and how i got closer to them as compared to last year.

i don't believe in bad people. at least, not in my circles of people. and i thank God for keeping me safe and secure in here. i think it more of 'a lot of awkward people who don't know how to express their feelings'

Lord, if i have to go out into the crazy world full of people seen as backstabbers, cheaters, outcasts.. for me to get hurt.. if that means me growing in You and helping others, i will go in Your strength.

your call.

samquek

i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know.
it is just getting harder and harder for some weird reason.

'ignore me if i seem abit irritated'
that was what he said.

. . . . . . . .

i dont know la.

samquek

i don't know. i don't like the feelings i'm having about you now. you just make me so frustrated with whatever you say recently. and the thing is, i don't dare to tell you for fear that i might jeopardize the friendship that i treasure so much. i really don't know why i'm feeling this way.

maybe studying is really getting to me and i'm just venting out all my frustrations on you since you are the closest, physically and emotionally to me.

i'm sorry.

maybe i should just ignore you when we are with the others. maybe then, i would not feel so possessive and uptight.

i'm sorry. call this running away if you like but at the rate my feelings are going.. i just do not want to explode in your face one day and i don't want such negative feeling to take over me.

i'm sorry.

well, i don't think im jealous. haha. i don't know. what i want is something that only i get and no one else has. then that would make me feel special.

so anyway..

about the whole cg thing. i'm scared. of course. i'm full of uncertainties and doubts and i don't want to screw things up.

maybe i seem like a bossy little miss busybody. i don't know. haha. my friends are probably too nice to tell me that. sighs. maybe i should have just 'mind my own business'. but then again, i feel a passion to help people. to make things better.

whats the line between caring and not interfering too much?

Lord, let me glorify You in whatever i do. this is for You.

and oh.. i think i'm getting a little confused. like.. i like the company and all.. aaahhh.. okay, let just stop there and not go deeper into it. i like the way things are now. but i hope things might not get out of hand.

samquek

they couldn't find my veins. so i couldn't donate even though i went through every damn check up procedures. it was beyond disappointment.
it wasn't just a blood donation. it wasn't about just saving people with what i have. it was like.. a failure to complete a challenge. something that i really wanted to do.. just to prove to myself.. just to prove to God that i could actually do it. that i can push myself that far. to do something that i am afraid of.

apparently, it didn't work.
i don't know why. i don't know why me? why out of freaking so many people, they couldn't find my veins. why is it.. that when i want to do something so badly... that i want to be in so badly.. im forever not doing it. like.. why?

not even donating. it really feels as if i can't do anything for nuts. do you understand how retarded that sounds? to go 'oh, i can't donate cause the nurse couldn't find my veins.' having low pressures or lack of iron in blood isn't as bad as this. now that, is perhaps, unavoidable. bloody hidden thin veins? of all things about my body, my veins just had to be thin.

it sucks. honestly. to see my friends and people i know able to donate blood.

are my intentions not right? that it is not glorifying You and that why You freaking have to make me feel like a failure in every damn thing i want to do or try to do?

i really don't know what to do. aren't i trying enough already? why? why is it that for every stupid thing, something would freaking screw up?

where in the freaking world did i go wrong?

You have a reason and all.. but.. i don't know.
i shouldn't be bitching, should i?
afterall, You're God.
You have the right to control people's lives.

i.. i just don't know what You want from me.. and how am i supposed to go about doing them?

i know so many things. i know You love me. i know i shouldn't complain. that You have a plan for me. but does that mean i can't feel sad? that i am weak??

i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.

it feels as if You are silent now. i can't hear you.

recently, i have been thinking about the possibilities if it happening. and it scares me to to be afraid of it. because of mean and sad thoughts..

i think i am seeing it more as having to let go.. and having to be left behind.. more than anything else.

i broke down today. at the realization at how skills like organization and my way of structuring sentences needed to change badly, i panicked. i got scared. i felt 'no, i can't do it. i can't. i'm going to screw up my a's. i'm going to be left behind again..'

which made me think again.. i wasn't really afraid of loneliness. that was being too.. vague. what i am really afraid of.. is being behind. not not able to keep up. i guess everyone might feel this way at sometimes.. but honestly, i don't think they have to be sad or afraid.. cause they're not. whereas for me..

haha.. so how is it like to feel like you're not even at the average level with the rest? it sucks. big time. i feel like i got nothing. i have nothing. nothing at all. for me to be secure in.

but being too secure in things might get complacency from God, you might say..

but God, at least.. at least let me know or let me have something i can be good at so that i don't have to feel this insignificant..

and why? sons of God and everything.. thank you.. but.. how is it.. that God is able to love every individuals for who they are specifically? what is it, that God sees in me, that makes Him love me? i think, my brain is failing to grasp the simple fact that God is God and He can and does love everyone for who they are.. i don't understand.

i don't see anything in me.. unworthy.. especially when God can see everything in me.

faith in God's love? faith to be assured i can be safe in God's arms.

hang in there, sam.

i thank God that a friend was there.. in my sudden breaking down. to comfort me, patting my head and putting an arm around me, to make me feel better.. giving me assurances like how a parent gives a child.. saying 'it's going to be alright'

God. i beg you. don't let go of me now and ever. don't let me feel so demoralized. let me compete this last lap with my utmost best and with Your strength. let me run this race, for You, Lord.. to glorify You. to honor You.

i think.. i am just afraid of rejections.. and losing something that is so significant in my life. actually, i do think my friends tend to bring out the worst in me.

freak. i wish i can stop thinking about the whole dumb thing.

i don't think i am jealous. it's more like.. scared.. and not wanting to lose that someone. to the extent of being possessive? haha. how funny.

you know.. sometimes i get this feeling that you are entertaining me. and the whole friendship thing can be so one sided at times. like we're friends only because i want to and you are just taking pity on me. that other people can make you happy and i can't. or that a certain person can make you more happy than i can. maybe cause the two of you have more common interests than the two of us? i don't know. when you get all moody and stuff, you said to leave you alone. i don't think that is something easy for me to do. maybe i am feeling envious.. on how she can be so funny and how she can make you laugh and just cheer you up.

i'm scared. i'm scared of the possibility of you two hitting off so well and leaving me alone.

i know i should trust you more. that i should stop being so paranoid. and that it is a two way thing... that you treasure our friendship as much as i treasure it. like, how you want me to be happy too.. like there were times when you were really sweet..

but i really don't understand how you think at times. you get me all confused on what is really true and i don't know when you are being serious and when you are just joking. you make me think you don't think and feel and do the usual things normal humans do.. cause you are different. you give me the impression that you do not want any emotional baggage and you wouldn't not be as affected as i would be if things go wrong.

why am i feeling so insecure?

is it because i am giving so much that i want the same thing in return? i should stop that then. expectation is no good. and then it is a selfish thing to do. i should be giving all in all my relationships with people and not expecting the same thing in return because that is being a true friend. i think.

and i am afraid to tell you all these for fear that you would just run away from me because i am a monster for thinking such a way.. that you wouldn't

i don't like this feeling cause it feels so sinful to think of such negative thoughts of my two close friends. Lord, i want this to go away cause it feels so bad. feeling such feelings is really scary.. such feelings can evolve to resentment, bitterness and hatred if let it go so far off..

i should stop thinking of such thoughts.

i guess at times, people do feel insecure and forlorn. it can't really be helped? but i think, what makes people, or i, feel better would be because of the fact that Jesus is there for us and that He would not forsake us.
mission trip. i want to go to cambodia. i want to go on the mission trip to cambodia at the end of this year to do something.
marianne said something that hurt me a little. it wasn't her but the words that cut me.
i can't go because i didn't make the pre-requirements.
that is, i didn't go for all 3 days of the mission conference.
i don't have any excuse for it i guess.
i shouldn't.
i don't know whether my pride was hurt, that i got immediately rejected or that i was just sad that i couldn't go where my heart wants to go to do something about being the fortunate one here and wanting to help.
let's just see how things go.

i don't know.
you know that it is hurting him.. to keep hanging out with the other one.
i know what you're trying to do, is to help the other one.. but shouldn't you respect his anxieties and fear first? i don't think it is the matter of trust or not..
there are other ways of helping and not just one on one.. like.. getting someone else along to help.. to talk being there alone, gives false hope..

i know it is hard.. that it might make things uncomfortable.. but if you are in a relationship or something along that line of commitment, shouldn't you be respecting that other party first?

and is your relationship pulling you away from God? is it glorifying God? or are you just satisfying your wants and lust?

it sounds as if i am judging here.. i guess i am.. i don't know.. it's hard to just sit back and see what people are doing when i have been through them and knew my mistakes the harsh ways.

samquek

finished source base question 2.
decided to blog here instead of blogger for the fun of it.
got remembered of my LJ account when michelle changed to it.
and suddenly, i just feel like blogging here.

i guess LJ still has its appeal.
like, the templates are pretty and it's userfriendly.
it's like, just one click away to a new template.
but i don't really know how to link people and it isn't really easy for people to comment.
but i cant really make a new template of my own or adjust the fixed templates like some of my friends do cause i think that is "chimmer" than blogger ones.
ignoring that, LJ is fine, really.
haha.

but i don't think i'm coming back here.
maybe post some stuff here and there once in awhile i guess.
i did say in my previous post i might come back.

but probably no one reads my LJ anymore cause it is dead.
haha.
ah well, all the better i guess.

i guess i'm still pretty sore about the whole 'friends' thing.
but i haven't really seen the rest yet so..
yeah.
seriously, i don't know what to expect.
but you can't really sad who is really at fault i guess.

the prospect of being friendless is..
hmmmm..
something i haven't thought about for a really long time.
to say i embrace that thought..
is a little too far-fetched..
nevertheless, it would be interesting.
and to see hoe things go once school starts.

i think i sound ambiguous.
it is not intended.
i am FEELING pretty much ambiguous.

friends..
to treasure them? like how?
letting go of them and accepting the new ones.
complacent?
being moderate in everything you do?
friends aren't everything.

everything is meaningless but we have to live life to the fullest?

i guess..
in order to clear things up at least a little..
is do be accountable in everything i do.

so am i feeling sad?
at times i guess.
but i don't know what to do..

i doubt my wishy washy character is pretty likable so i really should hold no expectation either.

except for myself..

ah well, life goes on.

i feel as if i am making sense and being oh-so-wise here but i know, in reality, i'm not. haha. i doubt i am really one for deep thinking actually.

retarded is someone who i spend a lot of time with now. but why? i don't know. i just enjoy spending my time with retarded i guess.

maybe i shouldn't think too much about relationships even if they're just normal ones. i mean.. just be normal, be accountable and have fun at the same time.

ah well.
i think i am like going round and round the problem and not hitting it.

just move on sam. see how things go. stop pondering on things so much when they don't deal you any good.

gosh, i think i really take after my mom in this sense. oh man.

samquek

i moved back to blogspot. oh well. but ill blog here if im feeling emo and i dont want strangers to see.. so yeah (:

ciao for now.

samquek

lj is starting to hate me. maybe blogspot has forgotten about me. sooooooo.. i might be going back to blogspot. but no worries. ill still be using lj at times. 

let see.. i havent updated for a really long time. er. chinese a's was.. alright i guess. just hope i dont have to do chinese anymore!!! holloween was fun fun fun. peiyen, francis and rachel are in my house now. 

sighssssssssss

samquek