A Piece Of Sam

you know. i dont understand how come you had such a high expectation of me. is it so hard to let go? yes. i know im in the wrong. and i would do anything to get things back the way they were.. but i just don't undeestand why that thing means so much to you? you know.. maybe it was just not meant to be la? i mean.. if you're kinda... unable to let go of it, maybe you never treated me as a good friend before and i was just someone who just irritated you or just someone who you see as silly and obnoxious. i don't know. right now, all i can do is just be honest and not try to bluff anyone anymore. i don't know la. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i am so sorry. but i guess, being sorry is never enough.

Lord.
i'm sorry. please forgive my sins.

while this may sound really hypocritical, please don't forsake me in the midst of the A's. while it may sound superficial but Lord.. please let me do well for the A level. this is my desire.

You said ask and it shall be given. that i should pray and not doubt.
so Lord. though it is halfway through the papers.. and i have been doubting over your plans for me.. that i began to fear your plans..

i'm going to sincerely and really give all of my fears of failing up to You. that.. everything is in Your hands.

i had tried my best for the past papers. though there were carelessness and times when i completely did not think at all.. i have done my best and i'm just going to leave them up to You.

i am going to have faith in You. if there is something i learn from the A's.. is that.. at times like this.. in desperate times.. in anytimes.. it's hard to depend on myself and to live for myself.

the past papers.. and the next 5 papers..
it's all for You. do whatever You want for the glory of Your name. i shall not doubt anymore. that if You are going to throw me into the midst of failure and loniless.. as much as i fear it, as much as i hate it.. so badly that i have been running away from You.. i'm going to brave them now.

trust and no doubt.

though i REALLY REALLY wish to have super good grades.. if it is not Your will.. then.. let it be.

i pray for acceptance.

let me live for You.

in Jesus's name i pray,
AMEN

dear God.

please. i need a miracle for the A's.
please don't let me go.

You know my heart.

so please. help ):

rocks my socks big major time.

you know those kind of socks you hang for santa claus to put presents in?? yeah, that kind of big socks (not that i wear them). and now multiply that size by.. erm.. probably 3?? yeah..

that's how much he rocks my socks.

everyone rocks my socks. but tommy rocks my socks more.
i think for his birthday, i'm going to give him a rock in a nice pretty sock

sorry. i'm just going crazy cause i'm sad today. i spent 5 hours over a still uncompleted history h2 sbq. i keep finding new points to add every single time i write half way through the paper. and then, i'll be like 'crap. lousy. need to re-do'

bahhh...

that's my favourite word now.

baahhh...

it sounds like a goat.

baaahh means 'raaahhh' and raaahhh means 'freak everything'

two more weeks. sighs. nvm. got time to improve all my grades to A (:

BAAAHHHH!!!

anyway. yeah. tommy.
i think tommy is nice.

and talented.

like really talented.

he plays the drums!!!

and he's smart.

and it's really fun to listen when ryan, chris and tommy converse.

plus, the cool thing about him, he doesn't really have a big reaction to anything. like seriously, i admire people like that cause it seems like they got a hell lot of self-control and discipline. not like me who just go 'BAAAHHH' at every small thing.

so yeah.

tommy is nice.. haha.

okay. it sounds as if i'm promoting tommy. ah well. fine. ryan is nice too..

lol.

and super super funny.

but i still think both of them give out scary auras sometimes.

i would talk about chris too since it's getting more or less three in one package deal but i talked a lot about chris in my previous posts so yeah. it's getting late anyway. sleepy. and tomorrow is the first day of the two weeks left. got to have energy to mug.

byebye

samquek

secretly, i am going to aim for Cs and Bs for prelims.

haha. wait. why be modest. Bs all the way.

i just keep eating and eating and eating. and not doing a single exercise.

i'm not doing much. i should be doing more.

faith, trust and love.
what is actually keeping me on the move.

passion, love and mercy.
what is making me wanting to help people.

confusion, pride and rejection.
what is preventing me from doing so.

faith, trust and love.
what is keeping me from giving up.

i want to thank God for all my friends.
because without them, i'll be lost, sad and discouraged.
because of them, i am who i am.

it's not about being superficial.
deep down inside, people use one another because in the end, it just benefit themselves.
but we are all humans.
i think it's practically unavoidable if you think about it.
but why do you want to think of that?
humans are made to depend on one another.
that's why God made eve for adam.
and unfortunately, you need to feel loved before you love others.

call it being over-optimistic. call it as ignorant.
you can call it anything you want cause there's always at least two sides to a coin.
and frankly, i'm learning not to care about the whole two or more sides to life.

it gets confusing.

if i set my life to terms like 'love, give and not take, faith and accountability', am i restricting myself from being better?
but 'motos' like these help me not to 'get lost in the large picture'.

so what now?

be happy and keep your life simple?
if i'm happy and i know for sure i'm doing the right thing, then it should be alright.

i want to thank God for marianne, clara lim and daniel. because they are always there for me especially when i break down and cry. because they let me complain. because they are wise. i look up to them.
i want to thank God for peiyen. because God placed him there in school for me at the time when i'm spending little time in church. so that i still have something physical to hold on to since i am only human.

i want to thank God for michelle because of her heart. because she is someone i can relate to a lot and respect. because she is beautiful. michelle is beautiful. one of the most beautiful people i ever know.

i want to thank God for rabecca. for being so cheerful and for me to be cheerful as well. for me to learn things from her. i thank God for her friendship.

i think, those who can break my heart when i see crying or being sad, are marianne, daniel, michelle, becca, pei yen, jeff, bubu, shar, claire, janice... actually, you cant expect me to write everyone's name down here. there's alot i guess. i'm just naming those who are closer to my heart.

sometimes, i feel obliged to write people's names down cause i don't want them to feel sad. but is that hypocrisy? i don't know. but thinking too much would make things worse.

just be normal at the least normal thing. i think that is the most important.

you may think im stupid for thinking i have so many close friends. i think, thinking that i have many close friends is a blessing and not a foolish thing to say. i don't think it's superficial. if people's happy, then..

love can't be simply expressed into words. that's what i am constantly reminded about. but i can keep trying. to show unconditional love to everyone.

so i shall continue.
i thank God for chris, tommy and ryan. cause they are talented, wonderful and great guys who can serve God with what they have. i thank God that i am trying to overcome my awkwardness with them and that they are trying to help me to as well. i thank God for such individuals cause their characters just made the human race more beautiful to be with as much as it is disgusting.

i thank God for ale, meng and karan. because they're always reminding me to have faith and trust God even when all else failed. i thank God because they are helping me to stay relatively constant in my walk with God. chin ought to be included in here too because God has used him to work in me as well. i see chin as a very admirable person and i really respect him. i thank God for such an amazing and great person like him.

i thank God for clara goh, janice, sharlyn for being so wonderful and reminding me i still need to go back to church. i thank God for the care and concerns they show me and for not forgetting me.

i thank God for jeff, bubu, john and bryan. for the 4 close guy friends in church. for going through this a's with me. for being strong so that i can be strong as well. i thank God for all their talents that they are using for God and how they are still struggling in their relationships with Him cause it's all for the better.

i thank God for fang, angel, rachel, min, daryl and hwee geok. who are equally wonderful and kind people. who can be honest with me when i need it. who encourages me when i'm down. who i am getting closer to. who i hope to open up more to.

i thank God for my dance club and my secondary school friends though i hardly meet up with them now. when i bump into them, i am always reminded of my other many many blessings and how they helped me along as well.

i thank God for amos. who i am very honored if he actually treats me as his sister. i thank God for francis. for being so expressive that it is such a joy to watch him. i thank God for wynne. for being so down-to-earth about her talents and gifts. and how i got closer to them as compared to last year.

i don't believe in bad people. at least, not in my circles of people. and i thank God for keeping me safe and secure in here. i think it more of 'a lot of awkward people who don't know how to express their feelings'

Lord, if i have to go out into the crazy world full of people seen as backstabbers, cheaters, outcasts.. for me to get hurt.. if that means me growing in You and helping others, i will go in Your strength.

your call.

samquek

i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know.
it is just getting harder and harder for some weird reason.

'ignore me if i seem abit irritated'
that was what he said.

. . . . . . . .

i dont know la.

samquek

i don't know. i don't like the feelings i'm having about you now. you just make me so frustrated with whatever you say recently. and the thing is, i don't dare to tell you for fear that i might jeopardize the friendship that i treasure so much. i really don't know why i'm feeling this way.

maybe studying is really getting to me and i'm just venting out all my frustrations on you since you are the closest, physically and emotionally to me.

i'm sorry.

maybe i should just ignore you when we are with the others. maybe then, i would not feel so possessive and uptight.

i'm sorry. call this running away if you like but at the rate my feelings are going.. i just do not want to explode in your face one day and i don't want such negative feeling to take over me.

i'm sorry.